Thank you, Fleet Week, or as New Yorkers call it — National Hook Up With a Sailor Week. 

Thank you, DC Comics, for announcing one of your most famous super heroes will come out of the closet this summer. I’m sure you think it’s going to be a big surprise, but we know.

Thank you, Goldschlager, cinnamon lacquer with actual gold flakes in it, for being a lasting reminder that in high school I was totally cool with the idea of drinking metal if it meant I’d get drunk.

Thank you, Moth Balls, or as I like to call you — Old people Fabreeze.

Thank you, five o’clock shadows, or as they call you in the military — seventeen o’clock hundred shadows.

Thank you, body pillows, for not being called loneliness pillows.

Thank you, The New York Public Library, for having over 1,800 people on the waiting list to borrow Fifty Shades of Grey. I’d hate to be the last on that list.

Thank you, headphones, for making people leave me alone, even if you are just plugged into a candy bar in my pocket.

Thank you, people who say “Have a safe flight!”, for basically saying, “Hope you don’t die!”

Thank you, people who reply to an email with the word Thanks spelt “thx”, for getting tired of showing your gratitude after two letters… You’re welcs!