Thank you, “No smoking” signs on airplanes, for letting me know that my life depends on an aircraft that hasn’t been updated since 1980.

Thank you, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, for being the highest rated show on TLC. Yeah, TLC, The Learning Channel… that makes sense.

Thank you, LL Cool J, for restraining a burglar in your house and not knocking him out despite what your mama said.

Thank you, neighbor who pays for wifi and doesn’t set up a wifi password, for also paying for my wifi.

Thank you, confetti, for being the most fun and colorful way to litter.

Thank you, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan, for looking like the Before and After photos in a Just For Men ad.

Thank you, harps, for being like piano guts turned sideways.

“What do you think of my boots?”

“Ug.”

Thank you, the 10 day weather forecast. Or as I call you, the 2 day weather forecast and the 8 days of made up bullshizzz.