Thank you, people who say the phrase, “I really shouldn’t” for letting me know you’re about to eat a lot of my fries. 

Thank you, clapping, for being high fives that you keep to yourself.

Thank you, movie trailers, for always alerting me that the film I’m about to watch takes place “in a world…” 

Thank you, goldfish, for teaching me the responsibility for caring for… oh wait, you’re dead. 

Thank you, Vespas, for being a Harley Davidson’s  metro-sexual brother.

Thank you, rumors that say Diddy is dating Kate Upton. You make a great couple, and an even better celebrity name, D-Kup.

Thank you, blowing out candles on a birthday cake, because there’s nothing I want to eat more than desert my friends spit on.

Thank you, Anthony Weiner, for considering a run for mayor in New York City. I’ve seen your latest poll, which is why I stopped following you on Instagram.

Thank you, souvenirs, for being a warm reminder of a time I wasted $10 on a souvenirs.