Thank you, teenager in Texas, who drove his date to the prom is the famous Oscar Meyer Weinermobile. I bet that’s not the only weiner he tried to drive home that night. 

Thank you, my abs, for being like the lost city of Atlantis. Do they exist? Maybe, but I’m definatley not gonna do the work needed to find out.

Thank you, person who waits until the cashier has completely rung you up before you get out your wallet. Hey buddy, lets go! I’m at a Dunkin’ Donuts buying a sausage wrapped in a pancake, time is not on my side!

Thank you, tv dinners, or as I like to call you, edible depression.

Thank you, guy at work walking down the hallway next to me at the same exact speed as me, who didn’t appreciate my “Hey, what if we held hands?” joke. Next time it won’t be a joke, I’m just gonna do it.

Thank you, flip flops, for being dirty, germ magnets people can strap on their disgusting little leg ends. Cover your ground knobs, you filthy little jerks.’

Thank you, boxer briefs, for being so comfortable and loose feeling, while at the same time supporting my… (random noises)

Thank you, stuffed twice baked potatoes, for being the most insulting way to bake a patotoe. First, we’re gonna bake you, then we’re gonna gut you and mash you all up and restuff you back into yourself, then bake you again and then eat you. What’re you gonna do about it potato?

Thank you, hard taco shells, for surviving the long journey from the factory to the supermarket to my plate and then breaking the moment I put something inside of you.

Thank you, robbins, for always flashing your red breasts at us every spring. You chirpy sluts!