Thank you, the 10 day weather forecast. Or as I call you, the 2 day weather forecast and the 8 days of made up bullshizzz.

Thank you, the letter Q, for basically being the letter O with a kickstand.

Thank you, self-help books, for making me do all the work.

Thank you, chewing gum, for letting my mouth have all the fun while my stomach is like, “Hey man, what gives?”

Thank you, plastic surgery, for being human photoshop.

Thank you, people who wear earplugs at concerts, for basically saying, “I love live music! Kind of.”

Thank you, the TSA, for frisking the man with the largest penis. It took so long, I missed my flight.

Thank you, substitute teachers, for being like the weird new step-dad of the classroom. “where’s Miss Reece?! You’re not my real teacher!”

Thank you, shower caps, for not being called hair diapers.

Thank you, Dove, for being the brand name of both chocolate and soap. My shower this morning was delicious.